something more

crap im totally at a loss for words. well i guess i will just retire to windsor and hide out. without a tv or a computer to entertain my easily distracted mind. hmmm. well at least marks will be up soon. im excited to see how i did in bio (Ps i will die if i didn't get an A...and appeal it too) anyway. i'd like to take this time to thank toronto for being a gracious host once more. and to say goodnight once more for thiss (i hope) will be my last night here till surgery time. though everything is in flux.

okay maybe not everything

grinche me this

so im being the antisocial christmas grinche i always seem to become in this city. i think i'll get some sushi while im out. just to be grose! so i had a loverly chat with a fine woman last evening. i love when you find out your misconceptions its one of the best things for causing nightmares. well they are. but it's still nice to breakdown misconceptions.

i did have crazy nightmares last night that i will have to think about. it's not nice. but thats probably why they have such a not nice name as nightmares. although is anything about that word particularily not nice. night....mare mares are nice so long as they aren't pregnant and wild and it isn't a thunderstorm out. and night is just part of the diurnal cycle. cycles are nice, they are all shifty and fluid. which is pleasant. anyway, im going to go think about life.

peace

homeward bound

i guess i am
homeward bound
where no love life is waiting, but family life, so thats nice. i think im going to have to return to windsor early anyway. we will see. so what have a got. not much. im going to go study.

night love.

and so we come full circle

The 12 bars of Christmas have come and gone again. what a wild night! its nice, i just went way back in my archives to see what happened last year and what i wrote about it and all that. its kinds of hilarious how old i feel right now, well more i think that woman is in such a different space than this one. amazing isn't it. so i finally put a person to the name Nick Novi... one of those illusive characters who seems to be all over in all the stories, but who i had never met (though apparently he was a my birthday ...like i remember that ;). He's a one of those people who walks in to a room and everyone is at once in love (like vw's jacob) i think im going to read that over reading week. that crawl was incredible tho i put my knee out, again like it was a good idea...so it was kind of painful. good thing all those clubs have oles for dancing. they just make one legged dancing so much easier. and i have a serious quirrel on this dancing thing, i hate the no one wants to lead a dance, no one. man woman or child, you know dancing is a thing of partners but someone has to lead, and as a result both can have a great dance (a game of trust you know) but no, you can't get that in this new age dancing cause a partner won't hold you and if you hold your partner they don't know what do to. its shitty, im going to start spreading the world, LEAD PEOPLE. anyway, so there was much more, you should ask me about it ;) ps. my cat is really upset with me and i don't know why, i can't tell if she's just having a bout of dementia or what, but im a little worried...well a lot worried

midnight visitors

i was awoken at 12:08 last night by danielle, screaming up a storm. my oh to clever mean kitty caught that dread mouse. of course Danielle not remembering that that was exactly what i wanted cocoa to do, and the reason why i left all the doors and cupboards open was screaming at cocoa, drop it and haa! I left from the depths of slumber to congradualte the cat and get d back into her room so that she couldn't scare cocoa out of mousing that little rodent.

well alls well that ends well i suppose. i have to clean all the cupboards now, get rid of the droppings. but at least my ancient kitty can still catch and kill em like always.

(im kind of stunned really, i only just noticed signs of the mouse two days ago, and she caught it last night...rock on kitty cat)

mri you say

this is an interesting development in the life of me, a doctor who orders more tests instead of prescribing pain killers, maybe he will still prescribe painkillers after the mri. how exciting and mri. its been a while. so i have to wonder if this is already start 21 and already in chronic pain, this life is going to suck something soon. but maybe not. maybe i can heal up, or maybe i should just start exercising again and then i wouldn't hurt anymore. i don't hthink i was in pain when i was in shape. I'll be honest, i dont remember what it felt like to be active, but i think it must have been better than this.

i started writing this thing yesterday, its kind of weird, it is sort of my canadian long poem about aging, i guess im coming up to that age where it is hard to pass myself off as 16 anymore. anyway today at the doctors office, i was the youngest in the waiting room by about 35 years...weird eh. there aren't many places where that happens. and all of these people who have been alive much longer than i have were there with their partners (who were equally as senior to me) and their partners all filled out the dr form and asked things like what meds are you on now, and are you taking any oral contraceptives...surprisingly many of them were, though i suppose as hormone replacement therapys. its kind of funny that all the elder ladies are on birth control and im not. i suppose its not that funny.

anyway afterwards i took the bus home. that was kind of fun, i haven't really taken the bus here. i think that was only my 3 time on a windsor bus. so now im waiting to find out my date for an MRI i hope its soon or not till after the 7th of January. i want to go home i think.

so what else is new in the world? hmm i wrote bio, that was really easy i think i'll be at least in the high 80's i don't think i have an A+ in the class anymore tho. shame on me! but we will see how the bell curve treats me. i just have one other exam now then im free. Dani is making me nuts with editing, im happy to grammar edit essays but not content edit, especially on things that i know nothing about. wow this entry is getting long. im going to go write about boxing on some other blog.

bless!
m

yes this country does suck

but at least i have lots to do with my life. Im so excited for next term im going to have no time to be at home and bored huzzah!!! i think that l'll take up being fashionable sophistocated and perhaps say things like "im shocked and amazed that you would even imply!" also, i'll have 16 classes with stephen pender, it think that ammounts to mm 18 hours or no...9 hours hmmm 3 *3 hours a week, yes 9 hours. and its a bit crummy that the 304 meanies are in one (at least) of the classsees, but well it happens. maybe they will be nice next term.

and maybe i'll like dogs next term. (not bloody likely)

so what is my plan with this season. i guess i should go home and then figure it out. i tend to see more clearly from toronto. but i want to take books with me.

okay i have a meeting now. ta!

me me me me

go on censor yourself and i'll just watch and laugh. god, conversation can be so bloody easy. how easy to say something without committing to anything. but anywya. im just writing to try and get over this terrible sudden habit of censoring myself or sensoring myself. hmmm i wonder if thats like a kind of self induced pain-killing. like psycologic tylenol, produced in the mind factories of the CNS. hmm thats nice i think ill take some more sensoring.

i think i have to move out. again.


ps santa, if you're reading this, i really want a laptop for christmas with 100 gb harddrive and at least a 1.7 Ghz processor and 512MB RAM (but 1 GB Ram is good too ;)

but a pair of cycling mits will do just fine. my digits are freezing!

Fuck i wish i had a place to sing. i want a piano to pound on and a choir to sing to and a company to run with. anyone want to come visiting. im so alone. do do do dodo do do im all by my self, except for olie, and i guess dani and michelle and tara and the rest of my writing ppl and perhaps nathan counts and maybe dom too, but i mean lets be honest. im pretty much on my own just now. id like someone to talk to. for more than the length of the follow conversation (which is all i say these days, and its almost like i have taken a vow of silence)

A: how you doing?
B: oh god, swamped
A: Tell my about it i have x y z a b c d e f and p q rst
B: yea that sux
A: well at least its almost xmas
B: yea what are you doing
A: insert something boring
B: yea me too...

fucker, my goodness this country sux!

liver me up

okay

i dunno. i quietly resign my post
i want to sing. im devistated that mum and dad have sold the piano. im not really sure what im going to do with my holiday now. i guess ill have to go to the pubs or something. its silly.

i have to find a drive back to toronto soon. i guess i will ask the rugby women. maybe there is someone in one of my classes headed out that way. i almost want to holiday here for a bit at least. go visit some people for the season. its the only time you get to do it. visit that is. i mean really visit, and by the time i get to toronto i've missed all the visiting. oh well. i have to start using my planner, thus far i have missed an optionment and two interviews. i'll be missing exams soon if im not careful.

ta

silence

i just don't want to talk anymore. im so bored with it. i just want to listen and nod and not be expected to say anything. i'd like to be cold and silent. now. but then id still write. silently and not read. i can't really read my work anyway. i sort of don't like to hear it. maybe i should hire others to read it. to cover it. that would be nice. and i could just listen to it. just listen.

so i guess another life is winding down. i'll have a full load next term. thats going to be intense. Im glad i picked up in martys calsses. ithink ill have A's in them. espo if i submit to the review. i should go take care of that today. at least. maybe tomorrow. i can talk with Marty about it today. i'll take th work in myself. Anyway i should b\go do my homework and review the poetry.

its bad this week. one girl wants to become a muncher. what a whore. what a whorible thing to say. but she says it all the time. she just wants to be a something that eats women and what...i dunno doesn't have to get blown in th face anymore. ill have to reread it to find out. but whatever. its stupid wasteful poetry and i hope she never gets published.

but lets be positive again. and think with out heart as per ms wallace.

ta

ps have a little faith in me.

wish it were that simple

"Hello,

I think I've finished, but I am not as confident as I was before about them.
Take a look for yourself and feel free to make some changes and bring it
to class on Wednesday to show Marty. I will do the same.

I would also like to offer perhaps a coffee or the like to thank you. I am
not trying to find a girlfriend (I'm not gay), but I don't want to come
across in that manner. If you're interested just let me know, but the onus
is on you now. I hear of too many stories about guys asking to meet girls
out of the school setting and they either flee in terror or whip out the
mace. Me? I like spicy food, but pepper spray just doesn't strike me as an
enjoyable condiment.

Thanks again for your help, it was much appreciated.

Nathan Briffa"

how would you respond? i hate boys!!!! well. anyway, i hate email. and boys! well.

so life is full of its usually peeks and valleys, i finished my portfolioyesterday, its super stong, im kind of surprised, ive never writ such a good foli before. i think i may develop a couple of the themes and start publishing the work. its quite strong. maybe the review is looking for something.

anyway, i have to go study, for my one exam...i suppose i have two but one doesn't really count. but i still have to study for the one tonite... kit
m

forget it

forget the negativity, im ready for another breakout session where i can just freak out, like th song. So life has been soo super full, i don't know when i last posted, but i think it was around the time i turned 21. since then i have flow to Hawaii and back, to ottawa and back, met david miller, been to a conference in hamilton and sworn and oath of silence. that rocked. really rocked.. well the oath at least. started dreaming while awake (agine) written alot of erotic. seen bedouin soundclash in concert (my first concert since moving to windsor [isn't that super sad] taken to daning despite my kneee im finished with being crippled. i might go for accupuncture again in the new year. we will see. i want to got to france. i want to go up north, i think i'll go snowboarding this winter break inspite of my knee. i think ill write more, tho not more erotic...its kind of dry.

oh life is lifing again. i'll be in touch.

cripple your prodigy

so its october, life is speeding up again, time accelerating past moments in oblivion. snap out if it or you'll miss everything, and spend another older year at home sulking. i ment to meet a stag by now, but instead ive just lost the stomach for it.

what does that mean?

question of my life. so my kid brother didn't dress this weekend. i can't fathom why not! im very worried for him. i hope that this gets resolved sooner than later. that he doesn't get turned in circles. im going to explore other training venues. first micmac, second another highschool (aka Forester), third partington park.

okay

highway to hell

My goodness music is the best thing anyone ever invented. why isn't everyone a mucisian. infact why don't we all just sing instead of speak and always have music all around us!!!

so im listening to ACDC. eariler i was ease dropping on my downstairs neighbor as she played he piano. my goodness, how lovely music is. it just makes things okay. i think i need to go dancing!
maybe we will go to phog tomorrow.

i think anyone who isn't having a good time should go listen to some music.

i thought i smelt shit

so its hit the fan.

we need an MD present at our game Sunday. where does one find an MD? i don't know. How much does it cost to hire and MD for the day? i don't know.













im just about done.

silent

i feel like things are getting quiet...maybe a little too quiet. i have to creep everywhere to be sure that i don't get caught.

Yea, first home game on sunday.
yea, im 21 on Monday
yea, im going to hawaii in 14 days....holy shit
yea, im a llama again!!!
no wait..

so i made a terrible biology pun in bio lab yesterday. i didn't mean to it just popped out. i think the group was thoroughly impressed, but i was mortified...punning in bio gaah, i think i may be doomed to become a bio teacher...if the bad puns just pop out like that. man o man.

i could restrain myself i had to correct the grammer on my test we had though. i think i have that disease, the one that makes you a compulsive grammer correcter...grammitis i think its called.

anyway, i didn't stay for the lab...i tried to but it seemed i kept walking out, and one time i was on my bike riding home before i realized that i was skipping my lab (bad llama)

im sad though, my phone is broke so i can't answer it...or i can but there is so much static no one can hear me and i can't hear them...sad eh!?

okay im going to class...and hopefully i won't leave early by accident.

its sensitive

oh boy.



i'm not sure that i can compute this one. i think that this may just be one over the top and im ooverloaded now.
tasks due on or before monday:
- collate Knister's two editions of poetry
- design and execute rugby practices (2)
- host/attend rugby social
- type bio notes (3 lectures)
- read bio chapters (3)
- review bio labs
- read poetry..lots and lots of canadian poetry
- write poetry
- read article for can lit
- read poetry package
- be a nice person
- code interviews (7)
- prepare for Hawaii conference
- copy edit manuscript (chapter 3 and 8)
- clean the house
- do dishes
- be a pillar of love and support

i think ill quit all other things for michelle, and just dance and play games and make her happy. what else can you do when you get news like this.

i think life needs antipsychotic drugs

I dunno where all this hostilitiy is coming from. I can't get a break, or maybe i can maybe i get lots of breaks and then have to get balanced again. i hate this. is this what it takes to be exceptional...mania. Up and Down and touch the ground. im going to burn out soon. really soon, which is bad. i think i have to quit but i can't because i love my job and my work, and im total invested in it. but i don't have the time to do good school and good work. gaah. Seb was online but i didn't say hi. I hope he's better (from the chemical leak thing). I put my knee out again last night, what a terrible night. hurts this morning, its swollen again. i wonder if i should go back to the needle woman, she did real good. And now this self obsesseed post has 20 I's aren't you tired of hearing about I!

lets talk about something else. The growing rift between the humanities and the 'pure' sciences. EJ Pratt wrote, through his "titanic" poem, warnings about the blind commitment to the ability of technology to be the highest human achievement. That those who see technology as the source of solutions for all our problems, unwittingly attribute human characteristics to technology. This happens because of human pride in our accomplishments. We take pride in what we have masterfully created, and project onto it the feeling that you get when someone is proud f you. if technology can feel that joy then it must, at least on some level, be part human. This is comforting, and lulls us, makes us believe it will be okay because ''We have the technology." then we start projecting other human attributes on technological advancements, calling them with human gendered pronouns like he or she, and this leads us to accept them not as invations on human nature but as part and privy to human nature. Problematic? Yes technology does not have human will. In the face of catastrophe it doesnot react with altruism or atavism...it just continues as it was designed. so whats the point? That technology is wonderful and progressive, and helps us in many ways; but it must be coupled with human choice, ethics (even though i have distaste for the word ethics), and judgement. In the end we are the controlling force (aren't we...hmm) and we mustn't so easily abdicate responcibility. So whats this got to do with 'pure' sciences and the Humanities? simply that the two should be brought together, that there should be common learning, there should be respect and understanding that while some energy must go into progressing technology we still need to be aware, no, we still need to be ingrained in a historic, cultural, social and human legacy; there is a past and it is significant and there is a future and it can be beautiful.

Oh life is easy

oh frabjuous day.

i love ACDC i think im going to listen to more of them, like all the time, cause like, they totally make me like super happy.

do you know what else makes me happy, scholarships!!! huzzah!!! You are reading the blog of on of this years recipients of the Millenium Exellence Awards National In-Course Scholarships... a two year award in the amount of $8000 dollar. and in one month and 1 day i will be on a plane to hawaii...huzzah!!!

but i have so much work to do n ow...ggasp i can bearly breathe...im drowning in floods already.

okay i'll stop procrastinating... im so happy im on the highway to hell

ps read "titanic" by E J Pratt http://www.library.utoronto.ca/canpoetry/pratt/poem6.htm

and i thought life was easy

so i go to my first day of bio 101 (or 141 as they call it) and the prof asks for a quick pick or what degrees people are in - you know bio, chem, general science, engineering "anyone else?" she inquires with doubt in her eyes. "English," i proudly announce, thinking to my self ha i can read and know the difference between transcription and translation; but boy what a reponce! "English," she smirks as if i'd said vagina, "are you lost?"

uh! how humiliating, you'd think she'd at least be a little tactful in her dismissal of the arts. well anyway then i went to see baby brother cause sometimes that helps, and he tells me biggest brother was on his way to therapy (he just had his ACL reconstructed last week) and he got into the elevator and suddenly his eyes start watering, his nose spews mucous, his vision goes, he thinks he's having a stroke or has already had one; one of his apartment collegues pull him from the elevator and get him onto a balcony...there was a chemical spill in the shaft, the whole building had to be evacuated. except. big brother lives on the 19th floor and as i said he just has his ACL reconstructed so they carried him to the roof and everyone else evacuated. needless to say he didn't make it to therapy. But they left him on the roof they did air lift him out or something. they did his decontamination up there.

crazy huh!