If I had a second chance...

Been a while. I have been writing and drawing and thinking a lot, but not blogging very much. I should do something about that....and so here I am. A blog about learning.

I am learning a lot these days. A lot about myself, which you would find boring, so I won't write about, and a lot about religion, which some might find taboo and controversial. But I have some funny stories on the topic to tell, and how they relate to learning.

So I met these nice men, and we frequently talk about religion together. They are pretty convicted, but they aren't bossy, which I find very unusual. It probably also explains why I enjoy talking with them. But they often suggest I pray for better understanding of various things. I personally am not such a fan of praying for things. I think we have already been given everything we need, want, hate etc and our only obligation is to offer eternal thanks for it. (see the comments made by the King of Eldorado in Candide by Voltaire). You can also see the prayer on Ethok about this. Even if there are things we think we need, I have found keeping a thankful mind and accepting our temporal condition is generally enough to take care of it. So I prayed to offer my thanks for the patience of men and for the strength I have found to ask questions and the determination I have found to genuinely seek out answers.

I think often of the days of the Philosophy Club at the Grad House, and how sometimes they questions posed were quite daunting and I would be too lazy, and unable to find the drive, to sort them out and find insights into them. But I am finding, much like going to the gym, day by day, bit by bit, my skills in pondering through a problem is getting stronger (like my abdominal muscles...i can almost do a full sit up these days...almost...talk about zero core strength)

And this is the thing. Maybe I was usually very grateful (secretly quietly and to myself) for the myriad of talents and gifts and good vibes and faults and misfortunes I possess. But I didn't put any effort into acknowledging that fact. And I think this led to feelings of regret, that somehow I was wasting talent, time, friendship and the like. And mostly because it was tiring and time consuming to be thankful and to offer those prayers of thanks. And because I thought I wasn't very good at it.

But what I keep running up against is this idea of "if I had a second chance..." And I have come to the conclusion that it is a nonsense thing to say. I feel that I am not very good at making music, and I want to be able to make music, not just listen to it...well then I should start practicing making music. I don't need to regret quitting piano, clarinet, viola, singing, guitar and whatever other music classes my parents were kind enough to fund for me. I want to be strong enough to dance like a ballerina...then I will start practicing, to build that strength. I don't need to regret screaming at the bar because Vince Parvel or whoever that ballet teacher was when I was 4 who scared me and made me never want to go back to another ballet lesson. I don't need a second chance, I have today, tonight, tomorrow and everyday to try, to build skill, to enjoy life.

And that is just one of the things I have been thinking about these days.