The last

So long a silence. I've been blocked. By fear. and a certain lacking of bravery. and a Japanese internet company that didn't want me accessing the internet when in such a shy state.

Anyway. Canada didn't suffer the coup d'etat. Shame. but its a good thing. We chose the more rational calm path of suspending parliment. Waiting and deliberating a bit before we make the easy move.

That's what i want to talk about today. it's funny to say that ending something is the easy move. That choosing to walk away, to over throw the government is the easy choise. But it is. Its far easier to say its all rubbish, throw it all away, than to admit our mistakes, than to try things we doubt we have the bravery to do.

I thought i would just quit on Monday. Say I can't do it. I can't make a life here. And i should go back to Canada, where at least i don't have the excuse of a language barrier stopping me from doing what I want with my life. Then i wondered about what i wanted to do. I didnt come up with much, so then i got depressed. Then i started looking for things to blame, the language, the food...the shy people and it occurred to me that i myself hadn't really even tried to go out. to try to do things i might enjoy. I was waiting for someone to pick me up and take me there. take me to something i would like to do. To introduce me and make me go.

And i thought about the piano concert. About the lesson there...I went to a masterful performance of Chopin on piano, and half the audience was asleep. it occurs to me that you, as a performer, cannot force the audience to stay awake. this isnt even like or dislike, but you can force them to even listen to you. All you can do is invite them. All you, the performer, can do is be there doing something you want to do. If that is play Chopin, or breathe deeply, or watch dancers, or listen to good music, or sing, or travel, or take pictures, or write love letters...that is all you can do.

And that, I think, is enough. Even if I do it alone, I can go out to a cafe. I like Cafes, the smell, the noises, the music... And even if i don't fall in love while I'm there, or write a great novel, or get a dream job, or muse quietly to myself... Even if it ends in awkward silence, I can start a conversation. Even if they don't become boon life companions, i can make a casual friend. i can invite them to come in for tea, or to a movie, or to a cafe...

Even if I'm scared that it will cause pain, that it won't make my life better, that I won't make other peoples lives better...the truth is just be living bravely, but trying to interact with the world it can only create good...i hope. I love you all. have a wonderful new year.