tits out pants down

best song lyric ever, right after "look at those beautiful quotation marks"
okay i admit those aren't actually song lyics, im just in awe. i love it. my new laptop was french so i had to calmly persuade it back to the light side of the schwartz.

i feel better just seeing this question. how are you today? actually its just the punctuation that makes me feel better. i was about to rant about something. but all my rage has melted away.

rockin the b2s

oh i love acronyms and especially b2s thats right yet another season of back to school has come upon me. i think there are still at least 12 of them to come my way before i take a break.

but that is not why im here. i am listening to Gorillaz, fire coming out of the monkeys head. also thinking about ms Duncan. who tought me in grade6. im marvelling at the cycles of discovery redicovery that we constantly run in, and in each cycle we commend ourselves on our amazing grace and agility and our mental prowess to discover something so brilliant that could not possibly be a rediscovery. take this morning for example, my tummy wasnèt quite up to the goodness that is tea or a related flavourfull hot drink. but it did want something hot. for example hot water. so that is what i am drinking today. hot water. yummo!

there is definately a very prevalent monkey theme in the Gorillaz music. huh.

havin myself a big and rich time

so im a happy puppy. my new christmas present arrived today. oh *im so happy*. its a new laptop. happy puppy indeed. i had a pretty good day, minus all delays. i think i may go for a walk just now cause i can. and i kind of need the fresh air. its beautiful out. anyway, im kinda bummed to go back to school. or work or what ever you call it. actuall i want to go back to school, just not back to work. grrr. i wish i wanèt disliking work so much just now.


oh well

for love

im in love with phillip sidney!!

"the trouble is i'd rather write of deeds worth doing than do deeds worth writting about" (modernised by me)

"Alas Love, he says, if only you could defend yourself as well as you can offend others"

"the poet affirms nothing and therefore never lies"

mr sidney had you not died 500 years ago we would have been the most famous friends!
but the truth is we must be ruthless and i will be inspired to carry one your most holy mission.



* im glad i had nightmares they make reality so plesant. likestaying up at school till 2 am repackaging O kits...at least im a llama again!

for love

you know what burns me out. i dont even think that it is/was television (though we still haven't replaced that magic box) i think it's living with someone who wants attention and to be entertained and existing near people who need stuff but dont give stuff too.

but not this time!! i'm so past this place. did i mention i had a revelation about masters or b ed next. yea. i think i may not do either. but im not going to say what i think i might do cause im not ready for people to look at me and say holy shit, really. like they tend to do.

so keep that in mind people. when i announce my direction. if i do, you have to still treat me with the same disregard that you always have.


you know i was reading my OAC writerscraft journal. did i ever grow up a lot in OAC. anyway, one evening Jack and Sam and I had a long conversation about what we each are. and Jack said im a purely physical being, she could never be sure that there is an emotional counterpart to me, cause she'd never met her. and that it must be lonely. wow. and ive been writing that for that past three years aving forgot completely that night. and when i read it it was like everything just clicked.

oh life

For love

Fuck, i love being inquiry driven! Man and when im inspired to learn, whach out (as EB would say) im a whacher with a mission. no longer will i be passive to this going on. im in. hands and feet.

Im so primed to take three Penderian classes this term. yahoo!! and listen to jazz and classical on 90.9fm and just be so happy being a student. huzzah!

okay im going to bed...to read cause i can't even sleep im so excited for all my learning i just want to learn more

( i hope i don't burn myself out...bah i don't even care. im giddy with education)

New Year's Resolution*

I'm just brilliant, it can't be helped.

So i have figured out my resolution for 2006. it totally rocks, i didn't think there was anything i could resolve to do that would actually help me out in a better way, then this brilliant resolution came along (and considering my track record with new year resolutions...and really given the general stigma around resolutions of this sort...or resolutions of any sort i take as an example the Treaty of Versaille). So my resolution is to start smoking. Hear me out! Hear me out, it's genius. So it really goes one of three ways. I start smoking and enjoy it, then come lent I have something to give up and i can party hardy for mardi gras and quit my new year resolution for the forty days (by which point i will have forgotten all about the sickening habit and have not only made and kept a new years resolution and a lent sacrifice but also i will be able to cross 'take up smoking' and 'quit smoking' from my list of things to do before i die). Or i will take it up and hate it and be miserable with my resolution (as the stigma wants us to be) so i will give up trying to keep my new year's resoltion and be all bummed and depressed about it till some gem of a human being says "Roo i love you just the same whether you can keep your new year's resolution or not." Or, the third thing that will happen, is just like every other new year's resolution ever made I will forget I made it before i even get a chance to not live up to, thus I can be like most people who make outlandish resolutions to improve the world and their lives, but unlike them i won't be disappointed when i don't live up to my resolution because it was to start smoking, which, if you let me be frank, is a very unrealistic plan for me anyway.

then you say, "ahh but Miss Maru what about lent now that you aren't going to live up to your resolution?" Oh my friend you are too clever even for the likes of me. but don't worry i have already thought of that. I will be so guilty that i was unable to live up to my resolution that i will lie and tell people that i have kept with my resolution and am a smoker, then probably by the time of fat tuesday you will all start to catch on and think im lying and that i am not a smoker at all, but then i will have the perfect cop out and say "nah, the jig is not up, i would never lie to you dear love, i have decided to give up smoking for lent." even though in reality i wont because i never will have taken it up in the first place, but you will all believe i had and be so proud of me for giving it up for the lenten celebrations.

and then you might say "ahh but you have revealed your whole plot to us already. so we will know it's all a lie" to which i will say, this is just a blog i have no obligation to tell any shade of truth on here.

but seriously im taking up cigarettes as my New Year's Resolution 2006!

;)





*previously published on my space http://spaces.msn.com/members/ethok7/

this songs for you

well i hope you got up to everything you wanted for 2005 cause it is over and done with. Welcome, one and all to 2006. and let me be the first to say i think you're just as ugly as last year.

the motto for 2006 is : the truth is we must be ruthless

to be used at all the most appropriate moments. like when i sit in my apartment eating left over pizza wish i could watch anything and remembering that im the dumbass that broke the TV so the truth is i must be ruthless and pursue other things. I hope i go see a movie in a bit. i hope the theaters are open. i think i'll go to like an 7 oclock show. well we will see.

i had a blast out with some ladies last night. finally a ring out the old ring in the new worth writing about. those dogs were pretty charming but then dogs always are. okay. time to go clean up and eat some real food.

ps congrats mel, i can't believe you are engaged!

something more

crap im totally at a loss for words. well i guess i will just retire to windsor and hide out. without a tv or a computer to entertain my easily distracted mind. hmmm. well at least marks will be up soon. im excited to see how i did in bio (Ps i will die if i didn't get an A...and appeal it too) anyway. i'd like to take this time to thank toronto for being a gracious host once more. and to say goodnight once more for thiss (i hope) will be my last night here till surgery time. though everything is in flux.

okay maybe not everything

grinche me this

so im being the antisocial christmas grinche i always seem to become in this city. i think i'll get some sushi while im out. just to be grose! so i had a loverly chat with a fine woman last evening. i love when you find out your misconceptions its one of the best things for causing nightmares. well they are. but it's still nice to breakdown misconceptions.

i did have crazy nightmares last night that i will have to think about. it's not nice. but thats probably why they have such a not nice name as nightmares. although is anything about that word particularily not nice. night....mare mares are nice so long as they aren't pregnant and wild and it isn't a thunderstorm out. and night is just part of the diurnal cycle. cycles are nice, they are all shifty and fluid. which is pleasant. anyway, im going to go think about life.

peace

homeward bound

i guess i am
homeward bound
where no love life is waiting, but family life, so thats nice. i think im going to have to return to windsor early anyway. we will see. so what have a got. not much. im going to go study.

night love.

and so we come full circle

The 12 bars of Christmas have come and gone again. what a wild night! its nice, i just went way back in my archives to see what happened last year and what i wrote about it and all that. its kinds of hilarious how old i feel right now, well more i think that woman is in such a different space than this one. amazing isn't it. so i finally put a person to the name Nick Novi... one of those illusive characters who seems to be all over in all the stories, but who i had never met (though apparently he was a my birthday ...like i remember that ;). He's a one of those people who walks in to a room and everyone is at once in love (like vw's jacob) i think im going to read that over reading week. that crawl was incredible tho i put my knee out, again like it was a good idea...so it was kind of painful. good thing all those clubs have oles for dancing. they just make one legged dancing so much easier. and i have a serious quirrel on this dancing thing, i hate the no one wants to lead a dance, no one. man woman or child, you know dancing is a thing of partners but someone has to lead, and as a result both can have a great dance (a game of trust you know) but no, you can't get that in this new age dancing cause a partner won't hold you and if you hold your partner they don't know what do to. its shitty, im going to start spreading the world, LEAD PEOPLE. anyway, so there was much more, you should ask me about it ;) ps. my cat is really upset with me and i don't know why, i can't tell if she's just having a bout of dementia or what, but im a little worried...well a lot worried

midnight visitors

i was awoken at 12:08 last night by danielle, screaming up a storm. my oh to clever mean kitty caught that dread mouse. of course Danielle not remembering that that was exactly what i wanted cocoa to do, and the reason why i left all the doors and cupboards open was screaming at cocoa, drop it and haa! I left from the depths of slumber to congradualte the cat and get d back into her room so that she couldn't scare cocoa out of mousing that little rodent.

well alls well that ends well i suppose. i have to clean all the cupboards now, get rid of the droppings. but at least my ancient kitty can still catch and kill em like always.

(im kind of stunned really, i only just noticed signs of the mouse two days ago, and she caught it last night...rock on kitty cat)

mri you say

this is an interesting development in the life of me, a doctor who orders more tests instead of prescribing pain killers, maybe he will still prescribe painkillers after the mri. how exciting and mri. its been a while. so i have to wonder if this is already start 21 and already in chronic pain, this life is going to suck something soon. but maybe not. maybe i can heal up, or maybe i should just start exercising again and then i wouldn't hurt anymore. i don't hthink i was in pain when i was in shape. I'll be honest, i dont remember what it felt like to be active, but i think it must have been better than this.

i started writing this thing yesterday, its kind of weird, it is sort of my canadian long poem about aging, i guess im coming up to that age where it is hard to pass myself off as 16 anymore. anyway today at the doctors office, i was the youngest in the waiting room by about 35 years...weird eh. there aren't many places where that happens. and all of these people who have been alive much longer than i have were there with their partners (who were equally as senior to me) and their partners all filled out the dr form and asked things like what meds are you on now, and are you taking any oral contraceptives...surprisingly many of them were, though i suppose as hormone replacement therapys. its kind of funny that all the elder ladies are on birth control and im not. i suppose its not that funny.

anyway afterwards i took the bus home. that was kind of fun, i haven't really taken the bus here. i think that was only my 3 time on a windsor bus. so now im waiting to find out my date for an MRI i hope its soon or not till after the 7th of January. i want to go home i think.

so what else is new in the world? hmm i wrote bio, that was really easy i think i'll be at least in the high 80's i don't think i have an A+ in the class anymore tho. shame on me! but we will see how the bell curve treats me. i just have one other exam now then im free. Dani is making me nuts with editing, im happy to grammar edit essays but not content edit, especially on things that i know nothing about. wow this entry is getting long. im going to go write about boxing on some other blog.

bless!
m

yes this country does suck

but at least i have lots to do with my life. Im so excited for next term im going to have no time to be at home and bored huzzah!!! i think that l'll take up being fashionable sophistocated and perhaps say things like "im shocked and amazed that you would even imply!" also, i'll have 16 classes with stephen pender, it think that ammounts to mm 18 hours or no...9 hours hmmm 3 *3 hours a week, yes 9 hours. and its a bit crummy that the 304 meanies are in one (at least) of the classsees, but well it happens. maybe they will be nice next term.

and maybe i'll like dogs next term. (not bloody likely)

so what is my plan with this season. i guess i should go home and then figure it out. i tend to see more clearly from toronto. but i want to take books with me.

okay i have a meeting now. ta!

me me me me

go on censor yourself and i'll just watch and laugh. god, conversation can be so bloody easy. how easy to say something without committing to anything. but anywya. im just writing to try and get over this terrible sudden habit of censoring myself or sensoring myself. hmmm i wonder if thats like a kind of self induced pain-killing. like psycologic tylenol, produced in the mind factories of the CNS. hmm thats nice i think ill take some more sensoring.

i think i have to move out. again.


ps santa, if you're reading this, i really want a laptop for christmas with 100 gb harddrive and at least a 1.7 Ghz processor and 512MB RAM (but 1 GB Ram is good too ;)

but a pair of cycling mits will do just fine. my digits are freezing!

Fuck i wish i had a place to sing. i want a piano to pound on and a choir to sing to and a company to run with. anyone want to come visiting. im so alone. do do do dodo do do im all by my self, except for olie, and i guess dani and michelle and tara and the rest of my writing ppl and perhaps nathan counts and maybe dom too, but i mean lets be honest. im pretty much on my own just now. id like someone to talk to. for more than the length of the follow conversation (which is all i say these days, and its almost like i have taken a vow of silence)

A: how you doing?
B: oh god, swamped
A: Tell my about it i have x y z a b c d e f and p q rst
B: yea that sux
A: well at least its almost xmas
B: yea what are you doing
A: insert something boring
B: yea me too...

fucker, my goodness this country sux!

liver me up

okay

i dunno. i quietly resign my post
i want to sing. im devistated that mum and dad have sold the piano. im not really sure what im going to do with my holiday now. i guess ill have to go to the pubs or something. its silly.

i have to find a drive back to toronto soon. i guess i will ask the rugby women. maybe there is someone in one of my classes headed out that way. i almost want to holiday here for a bit at least. go visit some people for the season. its the only time you get to do it. visit that is. i mean really visit, and by the time i get to toronto i've missed all the visiting. oh well. i have to start using my planner, thus far i have missed an optionment and two interviews. i'll be missing exams soon if im not careful.

ta

silence

i just don't want to talk anymore. im so bored with it. i just want to listen and nod and not be expected to say anything. i'd like to be cold and silent. now. but then id still write. silently and not read. i can't really read my work anyway. i sort of don't like to hear it. maybe i should hire others to read it. to cover it. that would be nice. and i could just listen to it. just listen.

so i guess another life is winding down. i'll have a full load next term. thats going to be intense. Im glad i picked up in martys calsses. ithink ill have A's in them. espo if i submit to the review. i should go take care of that today. at least. maybe tomorrow. i can talk with Marty about it today. i'll take th work in myself. Anyway i should b\go do my homework and review the poetry.

its bad this week. one girl wants to become a muncher. what a whore. what a whorible thing to say. but she says it all the time. she just wants to be a something that eats women and what...i dunno doesn't have to get blown in th face anymore. ill have to reread it to find out. but whatever. its stupid wasteful poetry and i hope she never gets published.

but lets be positive again. and think with out heart as per ms wallace.

ta

ps have a little faith in me.

wish it were that simple

"Hello,

I think I've finished, but I am not as confident as I was before about them.
Take a look for yourself and feel free to make some changes and bring it
to class on Wednesday to show Marty. I will do the same.

I would also like to offer perhaps a coffee or the like to thank you. I am
not trying to find a girlfriend (I'm not gay), but I don't want to come
across in that manner. If you're interested just let me know, but the onus
is on you now. I hear of too many stories about guys asking to meet girls
out of the school setting and they either flee in terror or whip out the
mace. Me? I like spicy food, but pepper spray just doesn't strike me as an
enjoyable condiment.

Thanks again for your help, it was much appreciated.

Nathan Briffa"

how would you respond? i hate boys!!!! well. anyway, i hate email. and boys! well.

so life is full of its usually peeks and valleys, i finished my portfolioyesterday, its super stong, im kind of surprised, ive never writ such a good foli before. i think i may develop a couple of the themes and start publishing the work. its quite strong. maybe the review is looking for something.

anyway, i have to go study, for my one exam...i suppose i have two but one doesn't really count. but i still have to study for the one tonite... kit
m

forget it

forget the negativity, im ready for another breakout session where i can just freak out, like th song. So life has been soo super full, i don't know when i last posted, but i think it was around the time i turned 21. since then i have flow to Hawaii and back, to ottawa and back, met david miller, been to a conference in hamilton and sworn and oath of silence. that rocked. really rocked.. well the oath at least. started dreaming while awake (agine) written alot of erotic. seen bedouin soundclash in concert (my first concert since moving to windsor [isn't that super sad] taken to daning despite my kneee im finished with being crippled. i might go for accupuncture again in the new year. we will see. i want to got to france. i want to go up north, i think i'll go snowboarding this winter break inspite of my knee. i think ill write more, tho not more erotic...its kind of dry.

oh life is lifing again. i'll be in touch.