something more

crap im totally at a loss for words. well i guess i will just retire to windsor and hide out. without a tv or a computer to entertain my easily distracted mind. hmmm. well at least marks will be up soon. im excited to see how i did in bio (Ps i will die if i didn't get an A...and appeal it too) anyway. i'd like to take this time to thank toronto for being a gracious host once more. and to say goodnight once more for thiss (i hope) will be my last night here till surgery time. though everything is in flux.

okay maybe not everything

grinche me this

so im being the antisocial christmas grinche i always seem to become in this city. i think i'll get some sushi while im out. just to be grose! so i had a loverly chat with a fine woman last evening. i love when you find out your misconceptions its one of the best things for causing nightmares. well they are. but it's still nice to breakdown misconceptions.

i did have crazy nightmares last night that i will have to think about. it's not nice. but thats probably why they have such a not nice name as nightmares. although is anything about that word particularily not nice. night....mare mares are nice so long as they aren't pregnant and wild and it isn't a thunderstorm out. and night is just part of the diurnal cycle. cycles are nice, they are all shifty and fluid. which is pleasant. anyway, im going to go think about life.

peace

homeward bound

i guess i am
homeward bound
where no love life is waiting, but family life, so thats nice. i think im going to have to return to windsor early anyway. we will see. so what have a got. not much. im going to go study.

night love.

and so we come full circle

The 12 bars of Christmas have come and gone again. what a wild night! its nice, i just went way back in my archives to see what happened last year and what i wrote about it and all that. its kinds of hilarious how old i feel right now, well more i think that woman is in such a different space than this one. amazing isn't it. so i finally put a person to the name Nick Novi... one of those illusive characters who seems to be all over in all the stories, but who i had never met (though apparently he was a my birthday ...like i remember that ;). He's a one of those people who walks in to a room and everyone is at once in love (like vw's jacob) i think im going to read that over reading week. that crawl was incredible tho i put my knee out, again like it was a good idea...so it was kind of painful. good thing all those clubs have oles for dancing. they just make one legged dancing so much easier. and i have a serious quirrel on this dancing thing, i hate the no one wants to lead a dance, no one. man woman or child, you know dancing is a thing of partners but someone has to lead, and as a result both can have a great dance (a game of trust you know) but no, you can't get that in this new age dancing cause a partner won't hold you and if you hold your partner they don't know what do to. its shitty, im going to start spreading the world, LEAD PEOPLE. anyway, so there was much more, you should ask me about it ;) ps. my cat is really upset with me and i don't know why, i can't tell if she's just having a bout of dementia or what, but im a little worried...well a lot worried

midnight visitors

i was awoken at 12:08 last night by danielle, screaming up a storm. my oh to clever mean kitty caught that dread mouse. of course Danielle not remembering that that was exactly what i wanted cocoa to do, and the reason why i left all the doors and cupboards open was screaming at cocoa, drop it and haa! I left from the depths of slumber to congradualte the cat and get d back into her room so that she couldn't scare cocoa out of mousing that little rodent.

well alls well that ends well i suppose. i have to clean all the cupboards now, get rid of the droppings. but at least my ancient kitty can still catch and kill em like always.

(im kind of stunned really, i only just noticed signs of the mouse two days ago, and she caught it last night...rock on kitty cat)

mri you say

this is an interesting development in the life of me, a doctor who orders more tests instead of prescribing pain killers, maybe he will still prescribe painkillers after the mri. how exciting and mri. its been a while. so i have to wonder if this is already start 21 and already in chronic pain, this life is going to suck something soon. but maybe not. maybe i can heal up, or maybe i should just start exercising again and then i wouldn't hurt anymore. i don't hthink i was in pain when i was in shape. I'll be honest, i dont remember what it felt like to be active, but i think it must have been better than this.

i started writing this thing yesterday, its kind of weird, it is sort of my canadian long poem about aging, i guess im coming up to that age where it is hard to pass myself off as 16 anymore. anyway today at the doctors office, i was the youngest in the waiting room by about 35 years...weird eh. there aren't many places where that happens. and all of these people who have been alive much longer than i have were there with their partners (who were equally as senior to me) and their partners all filled out the dr form and asked things like what meds are you on now, and are you taking any oral contraceptives...surprisingly many of them were, though i suppose as hormone replacement therapys. its kind of funny that all the elder ladies are on birth control and im not. i suppose its not that funny.

anyway afterwards i took the bus home. that was kind of fun, i haven't really taken the bus here. i think that was only my 3 time on a windsor bus. so now im waiting to find out my date for an MRI i hope its soon or not till after the 7th of January. i want to go home i think.

so what else is new in the world? hmm i wrote bio, that was really easy i think i'll be at least in the high 80's i don't think i have an A+ in the class anymore tho. shame on me! but we will see how the bell curve treats me. i just have one other exam now then im free. Dani is making me nuts with editing, im happy to grammar edit essays but not content edit, especially on things that i know nothing about. wow this entry is getting long. im going to go write about boxing on some other blog.

bless!
m

yes this country does suck

but at least i have lots to do with my life. Im so excited for next term im going to have no time to be at home and bored huzzah!!! i think that l'll take up being fashionable sophistocated and perhaps say things like "im shocked and amazed that you would even imply!" also, i'll have 16 classes with stephen pender, it think that ammounts to mm 18 hours or no...9 hours hmmm 3 *3 hours a week, yes 9 hours. and its a bit crummy that the 304 meanies are in one (at least) of the classsees, but well it happens. maybe they will be nice next term.

and maybe i'll like dogs next term. (not bloody likely)

so what is my plan with this season. i guess i should go home and then figure it out. i tend to see more clearly from toronto. but i want to take books with me.

okay i have a meeting now. ta!

me me me me

go on censor yourself and i'll just watch and laugh. god, conversation can be so bloody easy. how easy to say something without committing to anything. but anywya. im just writing to try and get over this terrible sudden habit of censoring myself or sensoring myself. hmmm i wonder if thats like a kind of self induced pain-killing. like psycologic tylenol, produced in the mind factories of the CNS. hmm thats nice i think ill take some more sensoring.

i think i have to move out. again.


ps santa, if you're reading this, i really want a laptop for christmas with 100 gb harddrive and at least a 1.7 Ghz processor and 512MB RAM (but 1 GB Ram is good too ;)

but a pair of cycling mits will do just fine. my digits are freezing!

Fuck i wish i had a place to sing. i want a piano to pound on and a choir to sing to and a company to run with. anyone want to come visiting. im so alone. do do do dodo do do im all by my self, except for olie, and i guess dani and michelle and tara and the rest of my writing ppl and perhaps nathan counts and maybe dom too, but i mean lets be honest. im pretty much on my own just now. id like someone to talk to. for more than the length of the follow conversation (which is all i say these days, and its almost like i have taken a vow of silence)

A: how you doing?
B: oh god, swamped
A: Tell my about it i have x y z a b c d e f and p q rst
B: yea that sux
A: well at least its almost xmas
B: yea what are you doing
A: insert something boring
B: yea me too...

fucker, my goodness this country sux!

liver me up

okay

i dunno. i quietly resign my post
i want to sing. im devistated that mum and dad have sold the piano. im not really sure what im going to do with my holiday now. i guess ill have to go to the pubs or something. its silly.

i have to find a drive back to toronto soon. i guess i will ask the rugby women. maybe there is someone in one of my classes headed out that way. i almost want to holiday here for a bit at least. go visit some people for the season. its the only time you get to do it. visit that is. i mean really visit, and by the time i get to toronto i've missed all the visiting. oh well. i have to start using my planner, thus far i have missed an optionment and two interviews. i'll be missing exams soon if im not careful.

ta

silence

i just don't want to talk anymore. im so bored with it. i just want to listen and nod and not be expected to say anything. i'd like to be cold and silent. now. but then id still write. silently and not read. i can't really read my work anyway. i sort of don't like to hear it. maybe i should hire others to read it. to cover it. that would be nice. and i could just listen to it. just listen.

so i guess another life is winding down. i'll have a full load next term. thats going to be intense. Im glad i picked up in martys calsses. ithink ill have A's in them. espo if i submit to the review. i should go take care of that today. at least. maybe tomorrow. i can talk with Marty about it today. i'll take th work in myself. Anyway i should b\go do my homework and review the poetry.

its bad this week. one girl wants to become a muncher. what a whore. what a whorible thing to say. but she says it all the time. she just wants to be a something that eats women and what...i dunno doesn't have to get blown in th face anymore. ill have to reread it to find out. but whatever. its stupid wasteful poetry and i hope she never gets published.

but lets be positive again. and think with out heart as per ms wallace.

ta

ps have a little faith in me.

wish it were that simple

"Hello,

I think I've finished, but I am not as confident as I was before about them.
Take a look for yourself and feel free to make some changes and bring it
to class on Wednesday to show Marty. I will do the same.

I would also like to offer perhaps a coffee or the like to thank you. I am
not trying to find a girlfriend (I'm not gay), but I don't want to come
across in that manner. If you're interested just let me know, but the onus
is on you now. I hear of too many stories about guys asking to meet girls
out of the school setting and they either flee in terror or whip out the
mace. Me? I like spicy food, but pepper spray just doesn't strike me as an
enjoyable condiment.

Thanks again for your help, it was much appreciated.

Nathan Briffa"

how would you respond? i hate boys!!!! well. anyway, i hate email. and boys! well.

so life is full of its usually peeks and valleys, i finished my portfolioyesterday, its super stong, im kind of surprised, ive never writ such a good foli before. i think i may develop a couple of the themes and start publishing the work. its quite strong. maybe the review is looking for something.

anyway, i have to go study, for my one exam...i suppose i have two but one doesn't really count. but i still have to study for the one tonite... kit
m

forget it

forget the negativity, im ready for another breakout session where i can just freak out, like th song. So life has been soo super full, i don't know when i last posted, but i think it was around the time i turned 21. since then i have flow to Hawaii and back, to ottawa and back, met david miller, been to a conference in hamilton and sworn and oath of silence. that rocked. really rocked.. well the oath at least. started dreaming while awake (agine) written alot of erotic. seen bedouin soundclash in concert (my first concert since moving to windsor [isn't that super sad] taken to daning despite my kneee im finished with being crippled. i might go for accupuncture again in the new year. we will see. i want to got to france. i want to go up north, i think i'll go snowboarding this winter break inspite of my knee. i think ill write more, tho not more erotic...its kind of dry.

oh life is lifing again. i'll be in touch.

cripple your prodigy

so its october, life is speeding up again, time accelerating past moments in oblivion. snap out if it or you'll miss everything, and spend another older year at home sulking. i ment to meet a stag by now, but instead ive just lost the stomach for it.

what does that mean?

question of my life. so my kid brother didn't dress this weekend. i can't fathom why not! im very worried for him. i hope that this gets resolved sooner than later. that he doesn't get turned in circles. im going to explore other training venues. first micmac, second another highschool (aka Forester), third partington park.

okay

highway to hell

My goodness music is the best thing anyone ever invented. why isn't everyone a mucisian. infact why don't we all just sing instead of speak and always have music all around us!!!

so im listening to ACDC. eariler i was ease dropping on my downstairs neighbor as she played he piano. my goodness, how lovely music is. it just makes things okay. i think i need to go dancing!
maybe we will go to phog tomorrow.

i think anyone who isn't having a good time should go listen to some music.

i thought i smelt shit

so its hit the fan.

we need an MD present at our game Sunday. where does one find an MD? i don't know. How much does it cost to hire and MD for the day? i don't know.













im just about done.

silent

i feel like things are getting quiet...maybe a little too quiet. i have to creep everywhere to be sure that i don't get caught.

Yea, first home game on sunday.
yea, im 21 on Monday
yea, im going to hawaii in 14 days....holy shit
yea, im a llama again!!!
no wait..

so i made a terrible biology pun in bio lab yesterday. i didn't mean to it just popped out. i think the group was thoroughly impressed, but i was mortified...punning in bio gaah, i think i may be doomed to become a bio teacher...if the bad puns just pop out like that. man o man.

i could restrain myself i had to correct the grammer on my test we had though. i think i have that disease, the one that makes you a compulsive grammer correcter...grammitis i think its called.

anyway, i didn't stay for the lab...i tried to but it seemed i kept walking out, and one time i was on my bike riding home before i realized that i was skipping my lab (bad llama)

im sad though, my phone is broke so i can't answer it...or i can but there is so much static no one can hear me and i can't hear them...sad eh!?

okay im going to class...and hopefully i won't leave early by accident.

its sensitive

oh boy.



i'm not sure that i can compute this one. i think that this may just be one over the top and im ooverloaded now.
tasks due on or before monday:
- collate Knister's two editions of poetry
- design and execute rugby practices (2)
- host/attend rugby social
- type bio notes (3 lectures)
- read bio chapters (3)
- review bio labs
- read poetry..lots and lots of canadian poetry
- write poetry
- read article for can lit
- read poetry package
- be a nice person
- code interviews (7)
- prepare for Hawaii conference
- copy edit manuscript (chapter 3 and 8)
- clean the house
- do dishes
- be a pillar of love and support

i think ill quit all other things for michelle, and just dance and play games and make her happy. what else can you do when you get news like this.

i think life needs antipsychotic drugs

I dunno where all this hostilitiy is coming from. I can't get a break, or maybe i can maybe i get lots of breaks and then have to get balanced again. i hate this. is this what it takes to be exceptional...mania. Up and Down and touch the ground. im going to burn out soon. really soon, which is bad. i think i have to quit but i can't because i love my job and my work, and im total invested in it. but i don't have the time to do good school and good work. gaah. Seb was online but i didn't say hi. I hope he's better (from the chemical leak thing). I put my knee out again last night, what a terrible night. hurts this morning, its swollen again. i wonder if i should go back to the needle woman, she did real good. And now this self obsesseed post has 20 I's aren't you tired of hearing about I!

lets talk about something else. The growing rift between the humanities and the 'pure' sciences. EJ Pratt wrote, through his "titanic" poem, warnings about the blind commitment to the ability of technology to be the highest human achievement. That those who see technology as the source of solutions for all our problems, unwittingly attribute human characteristics to technology. This happens because of human pride in our accomplishments. We take pride in what we have masterfully created, and project onto it the feeling that you get when someone is proud f you. if technology can feel that joy then it must, at least on some level, be part human. This is comforting, and lulls us, makes us believe it will be okay because ''We have the technology." then we start projecting other human attributes on technological advancements, calling them with human gendered pronouns like he or she, and this leads us to accept them not as invations on human nature but as part and privy to human nature. Problematic? Yes technology does not have human will. In the face of catastrophe it doesnot react with altruism or atavism...it just continues as it was designed. so whats the point? That technology is wonderful and progressive, and helps us in many ways; but it must be coupled with human choice, ethics (even though i have distaste for the word ethics), and judgement. In the end we are the controlling force (aren't we...hmm) and we mustn't so easily abdicate responcibility. So whats this got to do with 'pure' sciences and the Humanities? simply that the two should be brought together, that there should be common learning, there should be respect and understanding that while some energy must go into progressing technology we still need to be aware, no, we still need to be ingrained in a historic, cultural, social and human legacy; there is a past and it is significant and there is a future and it can be beautiful.

Oh life is easy

oh frabjuous day.

i love ACDC i think im going to listen to more of them, like all the time, cause like, they totally make me like super happy.

do you know what else makes me happy, scholarships!!! huzzah!!! You are reading the blog of on of this years recipients of the Millenium Exellence Awards National In-Course Scholarships... a two year award in the amount of $8000 dollar. and in one month and 1 day i will be on a plane to hawaii...huzzah!!!

but i have so much work to do n ow...ggasp i can bearly breathe...im drowning in floods already.

okay i'll stop procrastinating... im so happy im on the highway to hell

ps read "titanic" by E J Pratt http://www.library.utoronto.ca/canpoetry/pratt/poem6.htm

and i thought life was easy

so i go to my first day of bio 101 (or 141 as they call it) and the prof asks for a quick pick or what degrees people are in - you know bio, chem, general science, engineering "anyone else?" she inquires with doubt in her eyes. "English," i proudly announce, thinking to my self ha i can read and know the difference between transcription and translation; but boy what a reponce! "English," she smirks as if i'd said vagina, "are you lost?"

uh! how humiliating, you'd think she'd at least be a little tactful in her dismissal of the arts. well anyway then i went to see baby brother cause sometimes that helps, and he tells me biggest brother was on his way to therapy (he just had his ACL reconstructed last week) and he got into the elevator and suddenly his eyes start watering, his nose spews mucous, his vision goes, he thinks he's having a stroke or has already had one; one of his apartment collegues pull him from the elevator and get him onto a balcony...there was a chemical spill in the shaft, the whole building had to be evacuated. except. big brother lives on the 19th floor and as i said he just has his ACL reconstructed so they carried him to the roof and everyone else evacuated. needless to say he didn't make it to therapy. But they left him on the roof they did air lift him out or something. they did his decontamination up there.

crazy huh!

maybe you we're right

hmm maybe people should worry. i'm worried, and in pain, honestly i don't do well with this non-stop lowgrade discomfort. how stupid is that body, get with it (thats what i would tell my body if is read blogs) *sigh* maybe i'll go see a doc and have her poke my tummy and my knee and say there's no connection and then i'll ask for a second opinion and she'll say and you're ugly...just to make my day.

yea rugby starts today...sort of. i think i'll go watch the gents play.

*pause*





wow that was a long tangent... i started this at 3:02 its not 4:31 i forgot i was distracted trying to find out about the game...huh. time to go

why worry?

people worry about me without my consent...grr. i should start carrying a glove and challenging people to duels. "you worry about me will you!" i'll shout, "well i challenge you to a duel" and throw down my glove...then i would dance about and skip off into the night. i think id like to start skipping off more frequently. im allowed to change...or change back. it hink its change back, i used to skip off into the night a great deal. but i suppose thats just me.

anyway im sitting in michelles office posing for the press. yea three level.

goodnight

What a happy birthday dani!

So we went to Rush last evening to celebrate dani's 20th and sherrys vacation and vickys back to school and all that fun stuff. So anyway, its lots of fun dancing on one leg or while sitting. But the two top stories of the evening are as follows in countdown :

Runner up story: the cute boy in black, my favourite dance partner ever. He just danced! It was wonderful, no groping, no sleeziness it was wonderful. So anyway at one point i was sitting to have a break and he was lap dancing i suppose for me, so i stole his belt, how foxy. Sadly this story is not as good as it could have been cause i put the belt on and later while we were dancing he stole it back (rats) so im a bit of a failure; but he was such a nice dancer and held my leg so i wouldn't have to hold it up myself and we just danced like loons.

Grand prize winning story: Danielle to the rescue is the title. So Sherrie always manages to get these creeepy boys who won't go away. A couple times i had interrupted their grose dancing, but he just wouldn't take a hint, so i sent some of black shirt boys friend to get him off her, and still he came back...he was kind of that cat that sits on the porch downstairs, that dani yells at all the time. Anyway D is dancing up a storm as always, and sherrie and stupid boy are up on the stage, so i tell d to go help sherrie. Dani nods at me, leeps onto the stage, dives between sherrie and stupid boy, spins sherrie who promptly gets off the stage now that she is free of stupid boy. D dances with stupid boy for all of three seconds before giving him a friendly shove off and spinning down under the bar off the stage. The whole thing took about 1 and a half minutes. Amazing. And still stupid boy didn't take the hint, but the effort was so valiant and so blatant, and half the bar was watching and pointing and laughing, i guess sherrie is just that hot...granted after we sucessful got stupid boy to buzz off she promptly disappeared with another boy...oh sherrie amour

the most beautifully honest moment of the week

I'm tired of calling you and missing you and dreaming I've slept with you; and i i was just thinking...


i wish more of the world could be so brutally honest. I spoke with a young woman today, did an interview for the research Im supposedly conducting, she's from Rwanda, lived there through the war, through the genocide.

But what do you do, ask, so were you Hutu or Tutsi? or a moderate. Where is your mother now, dead! yikes. But how can you be honest? Damn I'm back to this again. Well at least i know that i only have about a years worth of thoughts, and now we're recycling the old ones, polishing the ugly parts and regurgitating the same debate. Honestly lying about trusting you, wanting to punch you, trying to fight all the rythems inside. bts soon, im glad, i need imput.

peace

mmmonday...again

hmm mondays are very interesting to me...well by that of course i mean to say...seb has surgery today...goodluck; kyle has a birthday today...happy birthday; i have to finish dani's present today...could be useful

i think that i will draw something.. no lets be honest, i'll work on the design for the dress.

xox

today is friday

is anyone ready to FREAK OUT, talk about free floating unidentified anxiety. my goodness, i go to sleep worrying, i wake up worrying, i go to work for bike rides and runs and all i do is just worry about stuff.

le sigh

okay, so i ran lots yesterday, and only my mcl regoin hurts today...i dunno i suppose thats pretty good. there's no deep pain or swelling. maybe ill just not have surgery...although waiting 13 months for surgery is kind of like not having srgery anyway. so maybe ill go for the provincial squad this spring, why not? i could get really hurt then and get emergency surgery. oh frabjuous day.

im back in my program. what luck, hey, Marty is teaching though so i guess i was a little bit a shoe in. but then we think the same nd write a lot alike so thats voondervel. oh i have to go do an interview. i hope it goes well.

kite

Surgeon for hire

So anyone with any information on knee surgeons interested in performing an ACL repair surgery, i have the goods on what needs to be done, but i would like it to happen before i turn 24. i am willing to give up one more season, but not three more seasons. so yea...thanks.

M

cross my heart and hope to die

yes. the rumours are true, i let someone stick a needle in my head this morning. It was completely professional there is no reason to panic. but boy do i feel much better now that the needle is out of my head.

So toronto, im coming home for a vacation. its too exhausting and i need the break. 17th-20th. Man of war. what a bloob blah day. i think im going to do some writing.

b thok

what a horrible place, where words are so powerful. where to see these morphemes linked together have such lustful movement in our deepest soles. where the strongest little urchin can be crushed by a fragment of a misdirected thought. poor thing. poor thing. and to be involved, to be informed of such crushing strength, the crushing strength of words.

crisis point again. building. is it easier to forget or to deny. is it faster to fight or lay down and die. what choice is there left to make when either choice is for defeat.

poor thing. poor thing.

this horrible place, where written words cause such disgrace.

a thok

Ive been having thinks about life and crisis and life in crisis. And about the state of things, about opinions about the way things flow and the need for more music that isn't for money. on that point i think i understand a little bit about what makes great music: its music htat just is. Some music you can listen too and just hear the dollar signs in the eyes of the writer, and its not that its bad music but really what you hear is dollar signs. Its strange because this is an idea that came to me from a long way away (gr 11 i think) when we watched that documentary about the porn star, and she said that to be a good porn star you had to really enjoy having sex, because the women who just do it for money you can see it in their eyes, its dollar signs. And i think that Miss Valentine was very right about that, and i think it translates into all things that make a person happy... ie music and dollar signs, athletes and dollar signs (e.g NFL vs CFL, NBA vs WNBA, Olympics vs IAAF world championship), teachers and dollar digns, gyms and dollar signs, politicians and dollar signs... the green motivation is devistation in the nation i watch through my sega play station, and the waves of insecurity that sweep those in positions of authority who know they inferiority to those with parrionate intent.

intent

this in an interesting motive/idea/ movement hmm... *currently listening to enya - celtic field*

anyway as i was saying about crises and life, im definately at a crisis point, to stand up and take the shot and let go of the baggage that goes with guilty or to remain obstinantly silent, emotionally sequre and carry the few extra pounds. I think i have to speak up, because maybe it will be bad and cause ruckus, but maybe it will make things better after the storm.

terrifying

i have discovered the most terrifying song ever concocted my anyone and it is "Flowers become Screens" by Enya and Enigma. I have never been more terrified while playing cards. Never. My goodness that was some crazy shit, and i hope i never play it again.

so on a completely unrelated note of being terrified, i had some accupuncture today. Yes thats right I paid someone who i could barely communicate with to puncture my skin with dozens of razor sharp needles and then i lay perfectly still and listened to classical music. Let me tell you a little story about scar tissue and accupuncture, the little needles must puncture the scar tissue...this is not a painfree process, but then again what is. No i have bits of tape all over my knee that make me smell like little old chinese women from the subway (a very comforting smell for a former frequent communter of the danforth line)

So life is lifing, i feel very in tune, but i can't quite hear the words so im a little lost (but the tune...got it with perfect pitch)

Crisis point is rapidly approaching, but thats okay cause im getting ready to ask the world for money.

bye

chug chug chug went the motor

i think the world needs a new soundtrack
and i think it should go bop bop bop went the wheels
or sing about the night in Tunisia

More

but i wouldn't be make believe if you believe in me

http://www.gethappy.com/more1.html

So i wonder where in the world Fraser Raney could be by now? Maybe he moved out and off to a distant country. i want to believe he is in Germany. or possibly Spain but i hope Germany, he would probably get skin cancer in Spain.

anyway, want more Bliss...check it out.

life as i know it

okay the knee is looking uffish. its swelling again and my insurence is expired so i can't get more treatement till i get my mums number. but i got to see the surgeon. nice fellow. doesn't talk much (mucho frustrating to not know,...ya know?)

Cleve is coming a touring next weekend and we are playing my favourite team :( well im photographing my fav team...

the boys are dummys and make life slow and boring. Dom phoned...just cause. i suppose im a dick, but im comfortable with that. besides i like to read peter pan...he's a dick too. without memory is an interesting concept. amnesia.

id like to call a dog that or maybe a goldfish

anyway. michelles an aunt mucho congrats

there was a reason i am writing but i forget. so happy nemesis day

hmm

and by cartilage you mean not ligements, and by flipped up under my knee cap you mean... thats gross

so i managed to luck into an appointment with a surgeon today... thats 24 hours after my initial assesment. 24 hours...versus 6-8 months. sweet eh?

but then bruising mean ligements says Naiomi (the PT) gahh. but locking and resticted movement means cartilege which means an earler surgery date. huzzah.

well life is lifeing, im in toronto for medical work. danielle wants to go home this weekend, so i need to find a way to deal with the cat (my little cocoa poo) i may ask the boss to bring her to tornto for me. we will have to see though. what the doctor oders (imagine if he had an MRI spot open this weekend, and surgery spot open next tuesday. Heaven ness/pas?

anyway
thats all i got.night

new news bad news news

so popi built me a shed. its beautiful.

the silverfish are back. i hate them with all my heart. there is one right now peeking in through the window at me.

i got a job offer from one of my professors. sweet. i have to put together a profolio and get back to him.

my big brother was cut. weep. im so upset, even though i know he isn't. well not that he isn't, he's made it, now its just time to learn, mature, grow and all that. but i still wanted him to play this year. BC lions are on my booing list along with knee specialists, knee injuries, sore knees, swollen knees, and silverfish. (although unlike everyone else on my booing list, the bc lions may be forgiven one day.

Prhyme just contacted me, and they finished the video. thats right im in a music video (shot in 2003...finishing in 2005...thats african time for you ;)

im ready to jump, this knee bull is really getting me down. i hope im never in a major accident that prevents me from using my body how i want too, i don't think i will make it.

crazy women, downstairs, doesn't like me, which is nice, she like d though so luckily we get all the benifits of her craziness but i never have to talk to her.

finally my little brother gave me a huge goodbye today. that was nice.

oki going to play with Adobe...thats hot

positive spin

hcokay, so i vas valking doon de streets, yuh; vhen i sees thees so sexy valking stick in the store vindow. and hi says to me self, zat eez so sexy. but as hi am not poorchasing thee sings zat i ham no needing zees sings like that have no uze to me, so hi ham having brilliant lightbulb. hi am busting my knee up so i can poorchase thees soo sexy valking cane. yah. that is, like hot.

so now i have uze for this soo sexy walking stick, and an hoppointment vith ze specialist zometime hoo i donno soon...i hope.

the rugby gods must be crazy

Jack says post, so fine.
they hate me
they think that im trying to ruiin a beautiful thing
well oden, you keep yourself hidden in the yew tree, and zeus you better not show your face outside olympus, and good ness gracious, if any of the other gods show themselves within two feet or a rugby pitch ill give them what for with my cane., fuck yea!!!

so the spleen is happy
the wrist is happy
the lungs are happy
the team was happy
and i was soooooo happy

and then
that jerkly number 2 from Chatham had to challenge me to a race. GAAAh

and one open field tackle later my MCL is busted.

fuck!

so now the spleen is happy
and the wrist is still happy
the lungs are laughing
and the team is crying
and i think im going to loose it!!

blast.

talking

okay im going home, team bonding happens saturday, but im going for some family bonding. probably some movies and some tackling.

i went for a run yesterday. tummy feels good. lungs not so much. more like needles in my pick tissue. they aren't very healthy. but we will work on it. i have a cramp in my hamstring. i think its from riding, and im light headed. but life is getting there. ive been going to practice. though not to practice. jsut to watch. its better than not being there. i guess. i need therapy for my wrist. it isn't healthy. i wonder when ill start going. soon i hope.

Belinda, you are lovely. but i think there is some crazy things in the world of politics. and love doesn't conquer politics...all but.

blah blah blah

funny story

okay, i dunno how many of you experienced the storm the other day, but those around here know it was a times a doozy. So anyway, lovely new home has a crack somewhere that the wind can pass through. but apparently it is cracked in such a way that when the wind passes through, it makes a noise of a some what musical sort of quality. well im sure it fits someones standards of musical. to me it sounded more on part with a small child bring murdered. so as the storm wailed one this petrafying high pitched shriek wailed on as well.

cocoa was not amused.

life at said moment

said that there was some excuse for moving so slow. i think there is a singular excuse...lazy heart. anyway. no rugby makes me a sad baby. and no writing makes me a sad baby. and no reading makes me a sad baby. and no shelving also makes me sad, as does the lack of energy and lack of unpacking. and so does the kitten who won't get off my back. sleeping is not good... well yea it is, but Im not doing it right, and the ants haven't shown hide nor hairy little leg in two days. i hope they are gone for ggood.

i want to make new shelves for my home.
or on second thought, i want to commission le petit frere to make shelves for the new home.
on third thought.. no i like the second thought just fine.

okay off to ethok

sick

erm.

eh hem. *cough, cough*
the man next door has an alarm, i suppose it is to tell him something, but it went off for four hours today. not just all none stop though. it would go and stop like someone was hitting snooze. Who hits the snooze for four hours? if it was me, id just turn it off, or unplug it, or throw it out the window, but not hit snooze for hours on end.

anyway, the system is infect with something.

Yeah i am not going to be homeless

It was close, but the vote is in and Curry is signed!!!
im going to be michelles neighbor living at 209 curry yeah!!!
and the place is like $200 cheeper than Joes place, yeah!!!!
and i won't have to yell at joe for being a dick anymore, yeah!!


so dani's car tried to commit suicide, luckily it wasn't very sucessful, she's in therapy

wish id made friends with the stupid boys downstairs sooner, they are still stupid, but at least SUV boy is nice (and maybe a little less stupid than the others). He helped stop danis car from going over the edge...well actually he just opened a valve i couldn't open cause of this stupid srpained wrist.

cocoa likes going for walks, but d is a little crazy about letting her out... i think she is an over protective step-mummy.

work>.,.

okay...im procrastinating again.

burnt out

talk about it...

i am feeling these april blues. but i saw today the magnolias are getting ready to burst (huzzah). so i read at this concert a few nights ago, i was like, the between sets entertainment... only problem was it was a white-punk-rock-metal concert and most of my work speaks to a black-rap-enpowerment-anti-white establishment audience..so i felt a bit alienating...but the audience received it well.

it was pretty intense cause i couldn't hear myself (being both deaf from the music and having speaker infront of me and not behind me) and i couldn't see too well, but non the less it was exciting work.

i think that im going to start reading to the world on a regular basis.

maybe if we move into a place with a balcony i will do performances from my balcony. ooo that would be fun.

okay so i have to write a paper, but i just made a comment on one of my classnotes boards to which a rebuttle post as added "Maryszka, your post was as eloquent as you are beautiful" so i figure i don't need to write the paper, with a fan base like that.

also Chuck (well charles, apparently he doesn't like chuck...but i think chuck is the best way to call a charles but anyway) want's lunch...so does Dom.... i should start taking up these lunch, which would be cool if...well lets not get personal but there is involved conversations that should be had.

so shadow quite rugby. and kyle broke his leg...or at least it looked like he did, but the doc says its not broken, it just doesn't work. and im in trouble cause im not doing my job as club PR person.

okay bye

ps dani is addicted to video games

how high the moon

wow. what a month an a lot.

Okay on tap:

• edited a book for CRW
• wrote 3 A papers and 1 B paper
• wrote lots of interesting nothings that i don't really care about too much
• helped Michelle win VPA huzzah
• joined the muslim students assoc
• quit the muslim student assoc (i was a rotten muslim anyway)
• nursed cocoa back to health (no more puking kitty)
• wrote a play about a dead beat and a dead man
• read more than i have read in my life
• made over 1000 phone calls in one week
• spoke with every perspective creative writing student for the Univeristy of Windsor
• resolved to spend more time at funeral homes to help with apathy
• laughed at an italian funeral (big no no!!!)
• decided apathy towards the dead isn't so bad, so i shouldn't go to other peoples funerals
• started smoking
• quit smoking
• realized i never smoked it was just a prank danielle played filling my bags with empty cigarette packages
• resolved one day to cover and entire bar table with cigarette foil (if the waitress is as bad as the ones at the thirsty scolar)
• lost 10 lbs
• gained 8 lbs
• lost another 5 lbs
• gained anther 7 lbs
• resolved that i have an unstable weight and not to worry about it any longer
• walked a dog
• slept on the coach (im never throwing that couch out !!!)
• did alot of nonsence

and probably some other things too.

hilife

mm procrastination is may favourite game,.,,, and so is zuma... okay yea mum congrats on the new car. okay yea roo congrats on handing in one assignment... okay congrat danielle for finding stinky the snail, okay congrats roo again for getting some new muscles, okay congrat michelle for getting over the flu. yea. congrats roo for rsvping to the better half ball, now u need a better half to take. mmm okay yea i wish it was next week. mmm okay maybe not. i have to write creatively...ten pages due monday. mmm i need some juices, maybe ill go to the flying monkey for juice. okay im going to go work on essays. mm yupper

any ideas for houseing? i could use some.

i think i want to live in a hotel

Fight of Flight

Emandleni Camp
home of ten thousand champs
of men of boys of soldiers
ready to fight for what Inkatha told you
train your mind, train
your position in this fight
for your homeland
Bantu stand for language rights
Fight the Afrikaaner way of life

Emandleni Camp
formed out of necessity
an army of youth, this thoughts absurd to me
to retell the sharp sting
your invaders bring
they have no historic stakes
they feel no pain for what lives the waste
they have diamonds in their eyes
and they know it is not wise
to share
the fruit this land bares
with

Boys at camp
it is not your fight
even now you have no rights
a decade since and
still your land is not yours
And still your freedom is not given
And still you are restricted by the colour of your skin

Emandleni Camp
excise the poison of your land
but you can
not do it by force
you must coheres
educate your young black mind
For black is beautiful
it is strong
it is infinite
and Emandleni camp will have no strength of arms
its strength
will be
in minds.

sorry world

okay im a little scared. just now. actually, im really scared just now, torn by belief in childhood surity and popular culture/knowledge. Sister Lucy died yesterday. that means nothing to anyone, unless they know of the aspirations of Fatima in 1917. gaaa. and now i hear HIV has mutated into a Mirical strain. im scared. what can you do tho? the sun is shining today, its hazy, but the sun is still shining. JP2 is out of hospital, but for how long? is he dying, and who is this American who said mass in his place last tuesday? im properly scared.

Ill probably get over it though.

Hello

Hello java, does anyone know jave script. i wish i did, i have a plot but it needs knowledge i don't have and im told java is the answer? any takers?

snuff

my back hurts.

i played in the snow (14 inches of powder) yesterday. it wasso mucho fun. d and i made a giant mountain and did back flips into it. and then shoveld lots. then the red boy came and said he'd hlep so i got him a shovel, but i don't think red boy likes the snow very much so he left. then d was cold so we went it.. besides we had to see if the washing machine was still broken, but it wasn't so we did laundry. but we had to put the laundry lines back up so i had to play with tha hammer. then later we watched metro which was really terrible but quite enjoyable.

im going crazy

and i have decided it is impossible to exist in bianaries so im playing on the sliding scale of life. even my weight is a sliding scale. i wonder if an unstable weight is a sign of some malady, but i know i weigh between 136 and 156 fluxing that much in three days... you'd think with my regualr exercise and currently amazing diet such flux wouldn't exist...but it does which is why i have given up on bianaries. i also no longer believe in being asleep or awake but in the happy gradient of slewakeness. i had the same dream last all day and night every tme id wake it was just on pause for the next moment of sleppingness. mehpish.

also today i read a lot of p[lato, he was a liar if i ever read one, and people keep telling me its bad to lie and i shouldn't but all the best people did. (well plato and dilworth...and pender. and also me)

okay bye


ps smurf aint doing to good

poor ghanga smurf

emanual had a stroke sunday. and bipass surgery last evening. he can't feel his face or most of his skin. he can't barely speak.

don't starve yourself. ghanga smurf thought food unholy. "yaw., i won't put that shit in my body" when he was rushed into emerge sunday night he weight 76 lbs. 5'2. rest now manny. recover. rethink you're strategy. food is life. and though much of it may be unholy, much, not all.

recover soon, my brother. with speed i hope you will walk and move again. i hope you will still think and beable to cognize you thoughts into speach. but rest well little man. for now.

ps

k is my favorite letter because its soo funny, honey. and f is my next favourite letter because is soo crazy and lazy.

bookish terms

gaaah, if i could read anymore i think i should... forget life, who needs it, i'll just read all the time, come on world show me what you've got...oh good a book...bring it on!!!

a poem? a short story you say, no...perhaps a long discourse on the use of writing or on who good and bad are the same thing! poppycock i say, ill read you all and be the better for it, Book!! im ready for you.


and im also going a little nuts

yea im a llama again

back to windsor in true m style. i don't think we could have fitted anything else in the car. we had, my school bag and a box for d, then m suit case, laudry basket, 20 pairs of shoes ( i kid you not) a computer all her presents in bags her black lab (who is a huge dog, could rival a bull mastiff in size) and my cat in a carrier box. it was sooooooo packed. and cocoa (the cat) was not happy to be in a box so i had to open it, but apparently she wasn't interested in getting to know the puppy. luckily the puppy wasn't to clever and didn't notice her the entire 4 hours in the car. meh. its was a good trip and im glad to be back in the W. even if the boys down stairs think its appropriate to deficate on my snowman villiage. i'll keep building them and if they do it again i'll press charges for distruction of private property... i think i can do that even though they live there too. its like if i was to smash in their windshield... or break all their christmas lights and banners in the garage and pee on their couches or hammock.... well anyway. there is soooo much snow here, except aparently plowing residential streets isn't an in thing here, so it can be difficult to negociate. anyway time to streatch im sore.

tsunami

something very sneeky nearly happened today and i was nearly forced into a position that i didn't want to be in, but fortunately i outsnuck it and got away without giving away a cent (or point if you want to be technical)

so heres the story: i went to get darling cocoa a carrying case this evening to carry her around in (not a purse...with absorbant liner, but a propper case) and some other essentials too, and when i got up to the cash to pay the lady said to me would you like to donate your point (it being zellers) well i said no thankyou very much and didn't donate any points to the relief effort.

and so i have made it another day without beaking my new years resolution.

oh yeah, i feel good.

im read to leave.... im waiting for a taxi...or m (actually m is better)

jsandme

hmm.
imissmissj. i forget and think sometimes that she'snnot worth it, but then i see her and feel like an ass for thinking it. its true. but i guess unimportant .

so we went to the ab then i met the partner who's about as empty as a balloon. inflated or otherwise. i don't like him, and im still debating why, but i think its a representative thing, that is mostly me projecting assholeishly on him...oh well. he was rude so i dont mind.

this bothers me. but omg, i made the most incredible connections going home...the york bus took 7 minutes of so to arrive, but every other bus, subway street car was right there, and i was home by 1:40...it took just over an hour to make the whole journey. not to mention no one else was on any of my busses train streetcars so they didn't stop...ah the red rocket, how effeciently wonderful you are. i ran into a boy who knew my father tho, daniel, says we went to school together to, but i don't count pat's anylonger that place was just a transition house. le sigh. he made me remeber things i was happily repressing, but what can one do... not much.maybe i could try and find c's mum and send her flowers this year... cause then ill be that much poorer.... right.

bd s

just watched the boondoch saints. wow. im pretty much in heaven right now. it was incredible. and i think all should run to the video store right now, take out that little card with your parents name and address and walk down the nirvana films aisle and select it off the shelf, rush it home and watch it because it will change you're fucking life. you cannot watch with out becoming and active participant, you can't be apathetic or bored or distracted. it sucks you in mind and body. wow. this is almost as good as an orgasm. fuck. my mind is blown away. i need to go and write a little.

and you know its not even about the morality of the story or the triumph of evil or good or what ever the fuck. its just real. every character is the good guy and the bad guy and you want everyone to both suceed and fail at the same time, and when either go either way its tormenting failure and disappointment while at the same time blissful gratification. geeze. how can that be? hmm i definately need to go write...but where. shops are gonna be closed.

damn this city. i need home. i need a home. and no more lie. i need out of these lies. but i like them...not really i just am them. i think. or i want to be them.

i think i need to think. yes... okay im going to stop this shit now. ill go.
bye

thok

mmm congratulations all...

mmm me big looser. well im happy, but maybe the world thinks hiding under ones bed is looserish.
so what if you thought you''d been in a train acident, and had a huge adventre and then it turns out you were... i guess you would be one of the sevene then. next on the list, the hobbit, and then watership down, i needs to find. im very excited to go back, i want to go with d, back to her place, then to home, but i don't think that would go over with anyone...grrr.

i made lovely chicken for dinner...witha little help from a friend and sister. mm so here's the plan. play today die tomorrow, and forget about the mess.

sorry. if you'll miss me, don't busy yourself.

okay theres the new plan. play today, and tomorrow go to the train station. and tonite go to the club. and tomorrow read and sew cause j leaves too, back across the herring pool he goes.

this is too much gibberish

c's'h

shit. most technocolour uber lucid dreaming going on, in troubling ways. 

i was watching myself through most of it. living in this commune with a kid, s-kid. then i was going to the theatre, well to a pub to meet s to go to the theatre, and i was uber late, and chatting with c...the ghost all the way. so i get to the pub and s and i head off to the theatre and find a seat. i sit, then d arrives so he goes and sits with another woman but there was a huge kerfuffle, and then something bad happened, we got tossed out of the building and were free falling. then i caught him and started flying. 

 d arrived last night. im worried i won't make it till april, more importantly im worried she wont. shit